PONDERISMS

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?


Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

--------------------------------------------------------
For more humor, visit the website

http://franksplace.is-a-geek.com

I feel like ruining these.

A-1 wrote:
> Can you cry under water?

You can excrete liquid while surrounded by liquid in the same way you
can breathe gas while surrounded by gas.

> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
> assassinated instead of just murdered?

They have to be important enough to assassinate!

> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Branches of a bank are non-organic.

> Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Bread is not square. Bread is not even a polygon!

> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
> your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

You put two cents in, and the government gives you a penny for your
thoughts. They keep the extra penny for Social Security.

> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
> in for eternity?

Clothes are a human invention, and in Heaven they do not exist.

> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Rectangular boxes are considerably less costly to produce than round ones.

> What disease did cured ham actually have?

Life

> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
> good idea to put wheels on luggage?

The "Man in the Moon" was 'found' long before anyone knew how far away
the moon was, or even if it was possible to land a man on it.

> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
> every two hours?

....By "sleep like a baby" they mean that they didn't sleep well at all.

> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Yes.

> If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Yes.

> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

I'm not IN a movie OR on TV. I'm sitting at my desk.

> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
> to look at things on the ground?

From a high altitude, a much wider and richer view can be had. Details
are of little importance.

> How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
> America?

Two people? As far as I know, the last election had at least three
candidates.

> Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
> naked anyway.

You aren't awake during the operation. You ARE, however, during the
changing.

> If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

No one, the 911 operator beside him or her contacts an ambulance.

> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

English is a ridiculously contorted language. $BF|K\8l!!$,!!9%$-!!$G$9!#!!(B
$B1Q8l!!$,!!$9$-!!$8$c!!$"$j$^$;$s!*(B

> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Of course, the full effect of Alphabet Soup is nutrition!

> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
> these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

The first person who saw a calf drink from the teat and survive on it
alone, perhaps?

> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Toasters can also be used to prepare English muffins, Pop-Tarts, etc
which might just require that setting.

> Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

There's a light in MY freezer. Maybe your refrigerator is broken.

> When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
> smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
> going to be smiling?

A driver's license, nowadays, is used as a general-purpose ID card.
Think about it; you use your driver's license when you buy tobacco or
alcohol, or when you try to get into an R rated movie.

> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

To prove the danger of cracking corn.

> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

No, carpool is reserved for living passengers only.

> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
> can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Because that show is WACK

> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
> to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

That is rather impolite and could imply other things... if you know what
I mean.

> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
> dogs!

ITS GOOFY TIME!

No, Dad, no!

(See http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com...php/Goofy_Time)

> What do you call male ballerinas?

....Ballers?

> Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

It depends. If they have been blind from birth, their dreams will not
contain much visual information at all. If they had eyesight for a
length of time and THEN lost it, they will probably dream in full
Technicolor.

> If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
> just buy dinner?

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very... very cold in space.

> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
> what is baby oil made from?

Aborted fetuses & stillbirths.

> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Yes, and cons come from Congress.

> Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Indeed.

> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Yes, probably due to the low attention span of... what was I talking
about? A-B-C-D-E-F-G! H-I-J-K-LMNOP. Q-R-S, T-U-V, W-X, Y & Z, NOW I
KNOW MY A-B-- Twinkle Twinkle....

> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

For the same reason you sang them to confirm your own suspicion.

> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
> it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Asteroid - an astral body
Hemorrhoid- a hemmo-- YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PREPARATION H!

> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
> but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I dunno, I guess your breath stinks.

> For more humor, visit the website
>
> http://franksplace.is-a-geek.com

....I surely will.

I feel like ruining these.

A-1 wrote:
> Can you cry under water?

You can excrete liquid while surrounded by liquid in the same way you
can breathe gas while surrounded by gas.

> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
> assassinated instead of just murdered?

They have to be important enough to assassinate!

> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Branches of a bank are non-organic.

> Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Bread is not square. Bread is not even a polygon!

> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
> your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

You put two cents in, and the government gives you a penny for your
thoughts. They keep the extra penny for Social Security.

> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
> in for eternity?

Clothes are a human invention, and in Heaven they do not exist.

> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Rectangular boxes are considerably less costly to produce than round ones.

> What disease did cured ham actually have?

Life

> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
> good idea to put wheels on luggage?

The "Man in the Moon" was 'found' long before anyone knew how far away
the moon was, or even if it was possible to land a man on it.

> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
> every two hours?

....By "sleep like a baby" they mean that they didn't sleep well at all.

> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Yes.

> If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Yes.

> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

I'm not IN a movie OR on TV. I'm sitting at my desk.

> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
> to look at things on the ground?

From a high altitude, a much wider and richer view can be had. Details
are of little importance.

> How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
> America?

Two people? As far as I know, the last election had at least three
candidates.

> Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
> naked anyway.

You aren't awake during the operation. You ARE, however, during the
changing.

> If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

No one, the 911 operator beside him or her contacts an ambulance.

> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

English is a ridiculously contorted language. $BF|K\8l!!$,!!9%$-!!$G$9!#!!(B
$B1Q8l!!$,!!$9$-!!$8$c!!$"$j$^$;$s!*(B

> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Of course, the full effect of Alphabet Soup is nutrition!

> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
> these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

The first person who saw a calf drink from the teat and survive on it
alone, perhaps?

> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Toasters can also be used to prepare English muffins, Pop-Tarts, etc
which might just require that setting.

> Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

There's a light in MY freezer. Maybe your refrigerator is broken.

> When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
> smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
> going to be smiling?

A driver's license, nowadays, is used as a general-purpose ID card.
Think about it; you use your driver's license when you buy tobacco or
alcohol, or when you try to get into an R rated movie.

> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

To prove the danger of cracking corn.

> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

No, carpool is reserved for living passengers only.

> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
> can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Because that show is WACK

> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
> to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

That is rather impolite and could imply other things... if you know what
I mean.

> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
> dogs!

ITS GOOFY TIME!

No, Dad, no!

(See http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com...php/Goofy_Time)

> What do you call male ballerinas?

....Ballers?

> Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

It depends. If they have been blind from birth, their dreams will not
contain much visual information at all. If they had eyesight for a
length of time and THEN lost it, they will probably dream in full
Technicolor.

> If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
> just buy dinner?

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very... very cold in space.

> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
> what is baby oil made from?

Aborted fetuses & stillbirths.

> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Yes, and cons come from Congress.

> Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Indeed.

> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Yes, probably due to the low attention span of... what was I talking
about? A-B-C-D-E-F-G! H-I-J-K-LMNOP. Q-R-S, T-U-V, W-X, Y & Z, NOW I
KNOW MY A-B-- Twinkle Twinkle....

> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

For the same reason you sang them to confirm your own suspicion.

> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
> it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Asteroid - an astral body
Hemorrhoid- a hemmo-- YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PREPARATION H!

> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
> but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I dunno, I guess your breath stinks.

> For more humor, visit the website
>
> http://franksplace.is-a-geek.com

....I surely will.

I feel like ruining these.

A-1 wrote:
> Can you cry under water?

You can excrete liquid while surrounded by liquid in the same way you
can breathe gas while surrounded by gas.

> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
> assassinated instead of just murdered?

They have to be important enough to assassinate!

> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Branches of a bank are non-organic.

> Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Bread is not square. Bread is not even a polygon!

> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
> your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

You put two cents in, and the government gives you a penny for your
thoughts. They keep the extra penny for Social Security.

> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
> in for eternity?

Clothes are a human invention, and in Heaven they do not exist.

> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Rectangular boxes are considerably less costly to produce than round ones.

> What disease did cured ham actually have?

Life

> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
> good idea to put wheels on luggage?

The "Man in the Moon" was 'found' long before anyone knew how far away
the moon was, or even if it was possible to land a man on it.

> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
> every two hours?

....By "sleep like a baby" they mean that they didn't sleep well at all.

> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Yes.

> If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Yes.

> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

I'm not IN a movie OR on TV. I'm sitting at my desk.

> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
> to look at things on the ground?

From a high altitude, a much wider and richer view can be had. Details
are of little importance.

> How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
> America?

Two people? As far as I know, the last election had at least three
candidates.

> Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
> naked anyway.

You aren't awake during the operation. You ARE, however, during the
changing.

> If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

No one, the 911 operator beside him or her contacts an ambulance.

> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

English is a ridiculously contorted language. $BF|K\8l!!$,!!9%$-!!$G$9!#!!(B
$B1Q8l!!$,!!$9$-!!$8$c!!$"$j$^$;$s!*(B

> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Of course, the full effect of Alphabet Soup is nutrition!

> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
> these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

The first person who saw a calf drink from the teat and survive on it
alone, perhaps?

> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Toasters can also be used to prepare English muffins, Pop-Tarts, etc
which might just require that setting.

> Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

There's a light in MY freezer. Maybe your refrigerator is broken.

> When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
> smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
> going to be smiling?

A driver's license, nowadays, is used as a general-purpose ID card.
Think about it; you use your driver's license when you buy tobacco or
alcohol, or when you try to get into an R rated movie.

> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

To prove the danger of cracking corn.

> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

No, carpool is reserved for living passengers only.

> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
> can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Because that show is WACK

> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
> to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

That is rather impolite and could imply other things... if you know what
I mean.

> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
> dogs!

ITS GOOFY TIME!

No, Dad, no!

(See http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com...php/Goofy_Time)

> What do you call male ballerinas?

....Ballers?

> Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

It depends. If they have been blind from birth, their dreams will not
contain much visual information at all. If they had eyesight for a
length of time and THEN lost it, they will probably dream in full
Technicolor.

> If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
> just buy dinner?

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very... very cold in space.

> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
> what is baby oil made from?

Aborted fetuses & stillbirths.

> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Yes, and cons come from Congress.

> Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Indeed.

> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Yes, probably due to the low attention span of... what was I talking
about? A-B-C-D-E-F-G! H-I-J-K-LMNOP. Q-R-S, T-U-V, W-X, Y & Z, NOW I
KNOW MY A-B-- Twinkle Twinkle....

> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

For the same reason you sang them to confirm your own suspicion.

> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
> it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Asteroid - an astral body
Hemorrhoid- a hemmo-- YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PREPARATION H!

> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
> but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I dunno, I guess your breath stinks.

> For more humor, visit the website
>
> http://franksplace.is-a-geek.com

....I surely will.

I feel like ruining these.

A-1 wrote:
> Can you cry under water?

You can excrete liquid while surrounded by liquid in the same way you
can breathe gas while surrounded by gas.

> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
> assassinated instead of just murdered?

They have to be important enough to assassinate!

> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Branches of a bank are non-organic.

> Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Bread is not square. Bread is not even a polygon!

> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
> your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

You put two cents in, and the government gives you a penny for your
thoughts. They keep the extra penny for Social Security.

> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
> in for eternity?

Clothes are a human invention, and in Heaven they do not exist.

> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Rectangular boxes are considerably less costly to produce than round ones.

> What disease did cured ham actually have?

Life

> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
> good idea to put wheels on luggage?

The "Man in the Moon" was 'found' long before anyone knew how far away
the moon was, or even if it was possible to land a man on it.

> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
> every two hours?

....By "sleep like a baby" they mean that they didn't sleep well at all.

> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Yes.

> If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Yes.

> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

I'm not IN a movie OR on TV. I'm sitting at my desk.

> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
> to look at things on the ground?

From a high altitude, a much wider and richer view can be had. Details
are of little importance.

> How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
> America?

Two people? As far as I know, the last election had at least three
candidates.

> Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
> naked anyway.

You aren't awake during the operation. You ARE, however, during the
changing.

> If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

No one, the 911 operator beside him or her contacts an ambulance.

> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

English is a ridiculously contorted language. $BF|K\8l!!$,!!9%$-!!$G$9!#!!(B
$B1Q8l!!$,!!$9$-!!$8$c!!$"$j$^$;$s!*(B

> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Of course, the full effect of Alphabet Soup is nutrition!

> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
> these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

The first person who saw a calf drink from the teat and survive on it
alone, perhaps?

> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Toasters can also be used to prepare English muffins, Pop-Tarts, etc
which might just require that setting.

> Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

There's a light in MY freezer. Maybe your refrigerator is broken.

> When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
> smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
> going to be smiling?

A driver's license, nowadays, is used as a general-purpose ID card.
Think about it; you use your driver's license when you buy tobacco or
alcohol, or when you try to get into an R rated movie.

> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

To prove the danger of cracking corn.

> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

No, carpool is reserved for living passengers only.

> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
> can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Because that show is WACK

> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
> to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

That is rather impolite and could imply other things... if you know what
I mean.

> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
> dogs!

ITS GOOFY TIME!

No, Dad, no!

(See http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com...php/Goofy_Time)

> What do you call male ballerinas?

....Ballers?

> Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

It depends. If they have been blind from birth, their dreams will not
contain much visual information at all. If they had eyesight for a
length of time and THEN lost it, they will probably dream in full
Technicolor.

> If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
> just buy dinner?

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very... very cold in space.

> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
> what is baby oil made from?

Aborted fetuses & stillbirths.

> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Yes, and cons come from Congress.

> Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Indeed.

> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Yes, probably due to the low attention span of... what was I talking
about? A-B-C-D-E-F-G! H-I-J-K-LMNOP. Q-R-S, T-U-V, W-X, Y & Z, NOW I
KNOW MY A-B-- Twinkle Twinkle....

> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

For the same reason you sang them to confirm your own suspicion.

> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
> it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Asteroid - an astral body
Hemorrhoid- a hemmo-- YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PREPARATION H!

> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
> but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I dunno, I guess your breath stinks.

> For more humor, visit the website
>
> http://franksplace.is-a-geek.com

....I surely will.

I feel like ruining these.

A-1 wrote:
> Can you cry under water?

You can excrete liquid while surrounded by liquid in the same way you
can breathe gas while surrounded by gas.

> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
> assassinated instead of just murdered?

They have to be important enough to assassinate!

> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Branches of a bank are non-organic.

> Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Bread is not square. Bread is not even a polygon!

> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
> your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

You put two cents in, and the government gives you a penny for your
thoughts. They keep the extra penny for Social Security.

> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
> in for eternity?

Clothes are a human invention, and in Heaven they do not exist.

> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Rectangular boxes are considerably less costly to produce than round ones.

> What disease did cured ham actually have?

Life

> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
> good idea to put wheels on luggage?

The "Man in the Moon" was 'found' long before anyone knew how far away
the moon was, or even if it was possible to land a man on it.

> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
> every two hours?

....By "sleep like a baby" they mean that they didn't sleep well at all.

> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Yes.

> If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Yes.

> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

I'm not IN a movie OR on TV. I'm sitting at my desk.

> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
> to look at things on the ground?

From a high altitude, a much wider and richer view can be had. Details
are of little importance.

> How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
> America?

Two people? As far as I know, the last election had at least three
candidates.

> Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
> naked anyway.

You aren't awake during the operation. You ARE, however, during the
changing.

> If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

No one, the 911 operator beside him or her contacts an ambulance.

> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

English is a ridiculously contorted language. $BF|K\8l!!$,!!9%$-!!$G$9!#!!(B
$B1Q8l!!$,!!$9$-!!$8$c!!$"$j$^$;$s!*(B

> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Of course, the full effect of Alphabet Soup is nutrition!

> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
> these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

The first person who saw a calf drink from the teat and survive on it
alone, perhaps?

> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Toasters can also be used to prepare English muffins, Pop-Tarts, etc
which might just require that setting.

> Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

There's a light in MY freezer. Maybe your refrigerator is broken.

> When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
> smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
> going to be smiling?

A driver's license, nowadays, is used as a general-purpose ID card.
Think about it; you use your driver's license when you buy tobacco or
alcohol, or when you try to get into an R rated movie.

> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

To prove the danger of cracking corn.

> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

No, carpool is reserved for living passengers only.

> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
> can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Because that show is WACK

> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
> to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

That is rather impolite and could imply other things... if you know what
I mean.

> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
> dogs!

ITS GOOFY TIME!

No, Dad, no!

(See http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com...php/Goofy_Time)

> What do you call male ballerinas?

....Ballers?

> Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

It depends. If they have been blind from birth, their dreams will not
contain much visual information at all. If they had eyesight for a
length of time and THEN lost it, they will probably dream in full
Technicolor.

> If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
> just buy dinner?

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very... very cold in space.

> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
> what is baby oil made from?

Aborted fetuses & stillbirths.

> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Yes, and cons come from Congress.

> Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Indeed.

> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Yes, probably due to the low attention span of... what was I talking
about? A-B-C-D-E-F-G! H-I-J-K-LMNOP. Q-R-S, T-U-V, W-X, Y & Z, NOW I
KNOW MY A-B-- Twinkle Twinkle....

> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

For the same reason you sang them to confirm your own suspicion.

> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
> it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Asteroid - an astral body
Hemorrhoid- a hemmo-- YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PREPARATION H!

> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
> but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I dunno, I guess your breath stinks.

> For more humor, visit the website
>
> http://franksplace.is-a-geek.com

....I surely will.

I feel like ruining these.

A-1 wrote:
> Can you cry under water?

You can excrete liquid while surrounded by liquid in the same way you
can breathe gas while surrounded by gas.

> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
> assassinated instead of just murdered?

They have to be important enough to assassinate!

> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Branches of a bank are non-organic.

> Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Bread is not square. Bread is not even a polygon!

> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
> your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

You put two cents in, and the government gives you a penny for your
thoughts. They keep the extra penny for Social Security.

> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
> in for eternity?

Clothes are a human invention, and in Heaven they do not exist.

> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Rectangular boxes are considerably less costly to produce than round ones.

> What disease did cured ham actually have?

Life

> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
> good idea to put wheels on luggage?

The "Man in the Moon" was 'found' long before anyone knew how far away
the moon was, or even if it was possible to land a man on it.

> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
> every two hours?

....By "sleep like a baby" they mean that they didn't sleep well at all.

> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Yes.

> If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Yes.

> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

I'm not IN a movie OR on TV. I'm sitting at my desk.

> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
> to look at things on the ground?

From a high altitude, a much wider and richer view can be had. Details
are of little importance.

> How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
> America?

Two people? As far as I know, the last election had at least three
candidates.

> Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
> naked anyway.

You aren't awake during the operation. You ARE, however, during the
changing.

> If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

No one, the 911 operator beside him or her contacts an ambulance.

> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

English is a ridiculously contorted language. $BF|K\8l!!$,!!9%$-!!$G$9!#!!(B
$B1Q8l!!$,!!$9$-!!$8$c!!$"$j$^$;$s!*(B

> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Of course, the full effect of Alphabet Soup is nutrition!

> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
> these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

The first person who saw a calf drink from the teat and survive on it
alone, perhaps?

> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Toasters can also be used to prepare English muffins, Pop-Tarts, etc
which might just require that setting.

> Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

There's a light in MY freezer. Maybe your refrigerator is broken.

> When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
> smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
> going to be smiling?

A driver's license, nowadays, is used as a general-purpose ID card.
Think about it; you use your driver's license when you buy tobacco or
alcohol, or when you try to get into an R rated movie.

> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

To prove the danger of cracking corn.

> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

No, carpool is reserved for living passengers only.

> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
> can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Because that show is WACK

> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
> to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

That is rather impolite and could imply other things... if you know what
I mean.

> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
> dogs!

ITS GOOFY TIME!

No, Dad, no!

(See http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com...php/Goofy_Time)

> What do you call male ballerinas?

....Ballers?

> Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

It depends. If they have been blind from birth, their dreams will not
contain much visual information at all. If they had eyesight for a
length of time and THEN lost it, they will probably dream in full
Technicolor.

> If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
> just buy dinner?

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very... very cold in space.

> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
> what is baby oil made from?

Aborted fetuses & stillbirths.

> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Yes, and cons come from Congress.

> Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Indeed.

> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Yes, probably due to the low attention span of... what was I talking
about? A-B-C-D-E-F-G! H-I-J-K-LMNOP. Q-R-S, T-U-V, W-X, Y & Z, NOW I
KNOW MY A-B-- Twinkle Twinkle....

> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

For the same reason you sang them to confirm your own suspicion.

> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
> it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Asteroid - an astral body
Hemorrhoid- a hemmo-- YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PREPARATION H!

> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
> but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I dunno, I guess your breath stinks.

> For more humor, visit the website
>
> http://franksplace.is-a-geek.com

....I surely will.

Austin Sims wrote:
> I feel like ruining these.
>
> A-1 wrote:
>
>>Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
>
> Bread is not square. Bread is not even a polygon!

(a) Neither is round sandwich meat.
(b) Some sandwich meat IS round.

>
>>Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
>>your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
>
> You put two cents in, and the government gives you a penny for your
> thoughts. They keep the extra penny for Social Security.

That makes no cents.

>
>>Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
>>in for eternity?
> Clothes are a human invention, and in Heaven they do not exist.

Is that what makes it heaven?
>
>
>>Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
> Rectangular boxes are considerably less costly to produce than round ones.
>
Some pizza boxes are octogonal.

>
>>How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
>>good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
> The "Man in the Moon" was 'found' long before anyone knew how far away
> the moon was, or even if it was possible to land a man on it.

False assumption. Some luggage was wheeled before we went to the moon.


>>If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
> Yes.
>
Coca Cola is made from a secret recipe known only to a select few. It
has to be mixed to an exacting standard. All too often a batch of syrup
doesn't come out right. Rather than just pour it down the sewer, they
package the bad stuff in different containers and sell it as Pepsi. So
tie Pepsi ban in Coke factories is to protect the workers' health.

>>How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
>>America?
> Two people? As far as I know, the last election had at least three
> candidates.

Last I checked, "WE" didn't get to vote for Miss Americal
>
>>Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
> English is a ridiculously contorted language.

It's even worse, one panty is a pair of panties.
>
>>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
>>these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
>
> The first person who saw a calf drink from the teat and survive on it
> alone, perhaps?

What I want to know is who was the first person to look at a lobster and
say, "I think I'll try one of those."

>
>>Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> There's a light in MY freezer. Maybe your refrigerator is broken.

I'm wondering why A-1 referred to his brain as a freezer.
>

>>When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
>>smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
>>going to be smiling?
>
> A driver's license, nowadays, is used as a general-purpose ID card.
> Think about it; you use your driver's license when you buy tobacco or
> alcohol, or when you try to get into an R rated movie.
>
False premise. They don't tell you to smile. They could care less.

>
>>If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
>
> To prove the danger of cracking corn.
>
It's not everyone, it's only the narrator who "don't care."

>
>>Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
>
> No, carpool is reserved for living passengers only.
>
Vehicles don't drive. People drive. People can drive hearses in the
carpool lane if there are two living people in them.

>
>>If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
>>can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>
> Because that show is WACK
>
It's a SHOW. It's NOT real life.


>>What do you call male ballerinas?
> ...Ballers?
>
Danseurs.

>
>>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
>>what is baby oil made from?

From mineral oil. Gasoline and kerosene are removed from crude
petroleum by heating, in a method call functional distillation. By using
sulfuric acid, applying absorbents, and washing with solvents and
alkalis, hydrocarbons and other chemicals are then removed.


>>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
> Yes, and cons come from Congress.

False premise. Strictly speaking electricity does not "come from
electrons."

>
>>Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
> Indeed.
Indeed not.
(a) If Disney World is operated by a mouse, Disneyland and EuroDisney
are also operated by a mouse.
(b) But none of them are operated by a mouse.
(c) And strictly speaking, none of them is a "people trap."


>>Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
>>it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
>
> Asteroid - an astral body
> Hemorrhoid- a hemmo-- YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PREPARATION H!

A asteroid is outside the butt.
A hemorrhoid is a pain in the butt. Maybe it should be an assteroid?

Austin Sims wrote:
> I feel like ruining these.
>
> A-1 wrote:
>
>>Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
>
> Bread is not square. Bread is not even a polygon!

(a) Neither is round sandwich meat.
(b) Some sandwich meat IS round.

>
>>Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
>>your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
>
> You put two cents in, and the government gives you a penny for your
> thoughts. They keep the extra penny for Social Security.

That makes no cents.

>
>>Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
>>in for eternity?
> Clothes are a human invention, and in Heaven they do not exist.

Is that what makes it heaven?
>
>
>>Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
> Rectangular boxes are considerably less costly to produce than round ones.
>
Some pizza boxes are octogonal.

>
>>How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
>>good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
> The "Man in the Moon" was 'found' long before anyone knew how far away
> the moon was, or even if it was possible to land a man on it.

False assumption. Some luggage was wheeled before we went to the moon.


>>If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
> Yes.
>
Coca Cola is made from a secret recipe known only to a select few. It
has to be mixed to an exacting standard. All too often a batch of syrup
doesn't come out right. Rather than just pour it down the sewer, they
package the bad stuff in different containers and sell it as Pepsi. So
tie Pepsi ban in Coke factories is to protect the workers' health.

>>How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
>>America?
> Two people? As far as I know, the last election had at least three
> candidates.

Last I checked, "WE" didn't get to vote for Miss Americal
>
>>Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
> English is a ridiculously contorted language.

It's even worse, one panty is a pair of panties.
>
>>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
>>these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
>
> The first person who saw a calf drink from the teat and survive on it
> alone, perhaps?

What I want to know is who was the first person to look at a lobster and
say, "I think I'll try one of those."

>
>>Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> There's a light in MY freezer. Maybe your refrigerator is broken.

I'm wondering why A-1 referred to his brain as a freezer.
>

>>When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
>>smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
>>going to be smiling?
>
> A driver's license, nowadays, is used as a general-purpose ID card.
> Think about it; you use your driver's license when you buy tobacco or
> alcohol, or when you try to get into an R rated movie.
>
False premise. They don't tell you to smile. They could care less.

>
>>If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
>
> To prove the danger of cracking corn.
>
It's not everyone, it's only the narrator who "don't care."

>
>>Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
>
> No, carpool is reserved for living passengers only.
>
Vehicles don't drive. People drive. People can drive hearses in the
carpool lane if there are two living people in them.

>
>>If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
>>can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>
> Because that show is WACK
>
It's a SHOW. It's NOT real life.


>>What do you call male ballerinas?
> ...Ballers?
>
Danseurs.

>
>>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
>>what is baby oil made from?

From mineral oil. Gasoline and kerosene are removed from crude
petroleum by heating, in a method call functional distillation. By using
sulfuric acid, applying absorbents, and washing with solvents and
alkalis, hydrocarbons and other chemicals are then removed.


>>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
> Yes, and cons come from Congress.

False premise. Strictly speaking electricity does not "come from
electrons."

>
>>Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
> Indeed.
Indeed not.
(a) If Disney World is operated by a mouse, Disneyland and EuroDisney
are also operated by a mouse.
(b) But none of them are operated by a mouse.
(c) And strictly speaking, none of them is a "people trap."


>>Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
>>it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
>
> Asteroid - an astral body
> Hemorrhoid- a hemmo-- YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PREPARATION H!

A asteroid is outside the butt.
A hemorrhoid is a pain in the butt. Maybe it should be an assteroid?

Austin Sims wrote:
> I feel like ruining these.
>
> A-1 wrote:
>
>>Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
>
> Bread is not square. Bread is not even a polygon!

(a) Neither is round sandwich meat.
(b) Some sandwich meat IS round.

>
>>Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
>>your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
>
> You put two cents in, and the government gives you a penny for your
> thoughts. They keep the extra penny for Social Security.

That makes no cents.

>
>>Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
>>in for eternity?
> Clothes are a human invention, and in Heaven they do not exist.

Is that what makes it heaven?
>
>
>>Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
> Rectangular boxes are considerably less costly to produce than round ones.
>
Some pizza boxes are octogonal.

>
>>How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
>>good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
> The "Man in the Moon" was 'found' long before anyone knew how far away
> the moon was, or even if it was possible to land a man on it.

False assumption. Some luggage was wheeled before we went to the moon.


>>If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
> Yes.
>
Coca Cola is made from a secret recipe known only to a select few. It
has to be mixed to an exacting standard. All too often a batch of syrup
doesn't come out right. Rather than just pour it down the sewer, they
package the bad stuff in different containers and sell it as Pepsi. So
tie Pepsi ban in Coke factories is to protect the workers' health.

>>How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
>>America?
> Two people? As far as I know, the last election had at least three
> candidates.

Last I checked, "WE" didn't get to vote for Miss Americal
>
>>Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
> English is a ridiculously contorted language.

It's even worse, one panty is a pair of panties.
>
>>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
>>these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
>
> The first person who saw a calf drink from the teat and survive on it
> alone, perhaps?

What I want to know is who was the first person to look at a lobster and
say, "I think I'll try one of those."

>
>>Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> There's a light in MY freezer. Maybe your refrigerator is broken.

I'm wondering why A-1 referred to his brain as a freezer.
>

>>When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
>>smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
>>going to be smiling?
>
> A driver's license, nowadays, is used as a general-purpose ID card.
> Think about it; you use your driver's license when you buy tobacco or
> alcohol, or when you try to get into an R rated movie.
>
False premise. They don't tell you to smile. They could care less.

>
>>If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
>
> To prove the danger of cracking corn.
>
It's not everyone, it's only the narrator who "don't care."

>
>>Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
>
> No, carpool is reserved for living passengers only.
>
Vehicles don't drive. People drive. People can drive hearses in the
carpool lane if there are two living people in them.

>
>>If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
>>can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>
> Because that show is WACK
>
It's a SHOW. It's NOT real life.


>>What do you call male ballerinas?
> ...Ballers?
>
Danseurs.

>
>>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
>>what is baby oil made from?

From mineral oil. Gasoline and kerosene are removed from crude
petroleum by heating, in a method call functional distillation. By using
sulfuric acid, applying absorbents, and washing with solvents and
alkalis, hydrocarbons and other chemicals are then removed.


>>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
> Yes, and cons come from Congress.

False premise. Strictly speaking electricity does not "come from
electrons."

>
>>Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
> Indeed.
Indeed not.
(a) If Disney World is operated by a mouse, Disneyland and EuroDisney
are also operated by a mouse.
(b) But none of them are operated by a mouse.
(c) And strictly speaking, none of them is a "people trap."


>>Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
>>it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
>
> Asteroid - an astral body
> Hemorrhoid- a hemmo-- YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PREPARATION H!

A asteroid is outside the butt.
A hemorrhoid is a pain in the butt. Maybe it should be an assteroid?